Warning - the below is a vent.
I was recently advised by Palliative Care to start blogging about all things, especially unresolved issues, so there will be some random rants and raves but please take them for just what they are - nothing more than cleansing.
I set my alarm every morning for 7:30am, because you don’t know how to set yours.
YOU, pick your nose with tweezers.
I will never understand why you have to use MY toilet, despite repeated requests you use the “Boy’s”, your shits are filthy and you may want to see a doctor as what I scrub off the porcelain is not of the human variety.
I worked like a dog 12 hours a day while YOU stood over my shoulder barking your commands. I took your verbal abuse, god knows why and still I nurtured you and listened to you complain how bad your life is and how you just want to die and I encouraged you and hoped you would come good.
YOU got stoned and wasted our money on gambling and fast women.
And now….now….I tell you I am tired, had enough and I can’t keep on going this way. I can’t look after you, I can’t look after myself anymore and I think I need to go home to Mum so she can look after me till I die, and YOU say…
“What about me, what’s it is going to be like for ME when you die? I will be 46 and single; I can’t believe I have waster the last 12 years of my life on you”
I am dumb struck.
Nothing left to say.
Good bye.
About Me
"And if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take"...
"Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me.The Carriage held but just ourselves And Immortality"~Emily Dickinson
It was never my intention to keep a blog of activities or in this case non-activities, my feelings or thoughts, for I am not one to share freely. A survival mechanism instilled in childhood.
Even when faced with the most perilous of predicaments, I give the well rehearsed response, "I am fine, thank you".
I realise when people ask "how are you today?" they really mean, "tell me you are good so I can go about my way and not concern myself with your ailing health". God help me if I responded "I feel like shit and just want lay down and die".
I decided to keep this blog as some kind of a written legacy for my family, and in hope that others will gain insight into the heart and mind of one diagnosed as terminally ill. Yes I hear you, I have heard it before, "You are not terminal, you just need a double lung transplant, you will be fine". And you would be right! Yet to date I do not have my new and improved set of lungs, I wait and hope and pray.
My life is in the hands of a complete stranger, who in their time of ultimate grief can see through the despair and sleflessly choose to give me extended life. Till this wonderful opportunity presents there is still a real chance, I will soon die. I know others who have been in this place, this Limbo, their strength and determination is a never ending source of inspiration, yet it comes down to my strength, my will to live, and If I decided enough is enough, then so mote it be.
"For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?" ~Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet.
So at the risk of being labelled as "negative", I will be writing my real feelings, laying my naked soul on a slab for the world to oggle.
Some of my writings will be boring, some will be of pain, others of happiness. Much of it will be re visiting times and places that have helped shaped me to be the person I am today. Times and places I have not spoken of to another living soul. I need to do this, so I can move on.
It is the innermost me.
It was never my intention to keep a blog of activities or in this case non-activities, my feelings or thoughts, for I am not one to share freely. A survival mechanism instilled in childhood.
Even when faced with the most perilous of predicaments, I give the well rehearsed response, "I am fine, thank you".
I realise when people ask "how are you today?" they really mean, "tell me you are good so I can go about my way and not concern myself with your ailing health". God help me if I responded "I feel like shit and just want lay down and die".
I decided to keep this blog as some kind of a written legacy for my family, and in hope that others will gain insight into the heart and mind of one diagnosed as terminally ill. Yes I hear you, I have heard it before, "You are not terminal, you just need a double lung transplant, you will be fine". And you would be right! Yet to date I do not have my new and improved set of lungs, I wait and hope and pray.
My life is in the hands of a complete stranger, who in their time of ultimate grief can see through the despair and sleflessly choose to give me extended life. Till this wonderful opportunity presents there is still a real chance, I will soon die. I know others who have been in this place, this Limbo, their strength and determination is a never ending source of inspiration, yet it comes down to my strength, my will to live, and If I decided enough is enough, then so mote it be.
"For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?" ~Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet.
So at the risk of being labelled as "negative", I will be writing my real feelings, laying my naked soul on a slab for the world to oggle.
Some of my writings will be boring, some will be of pain, others of happiness. Much of it will be re visiting times and places that have helped shaped me to be the person I am today. Times and places I have not spoken of to another living soul. I need to do this, so I can move on.
It is the innermost me.
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Dear Susie
ReplyDeleteShame we live so far apart i just want to be close to you my dear friend so to give you a big hug
lots of love
yvonne
xxxxx
I see illness bring out the very best and worst in people. In here, I see you showing the demons to the door. Whilst brutally painful to live these moments, expelling them is rewarding - just by the fact that you give yourself permission to express what you are truly feeling. I have to wonder who is more unwell when I read this. Illness and pain aren't confined to the body - they rattle around in the soul as well. Keep showing the demons to the door, dear friend. Better an empty house than a bad tenant.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel like a weight has been lifted after saying what you have. You have really spoken so honestly. Good for you. You say you are not very good at putting the written word down, what rubbish, you are amazing.
ReplyDeleteYou rock.
Thank you all very much for your comments, I take them to heart.
ReplyDeleteThis was published not knowing it was going to be displayed all over my FB page - I was meaning to just load it up silently. Funny, every time I delete it, it reappears.
As mentioned I have been advised to do this and I can say it is extremely difficult to do and I am not at ease, but I'll get over it. :D
xxx