I find the weaker I become physically, the more I become a thought extrovert and though I feast on literature, documentary’s and fluff alike, I am unable to subdue this blistering mind. Perhaps this is good, a way of making up for deficiencies. Emotions intensified. Rather than fight, I am allowing myself to feel pain. It helps, but how can something so bad, be so good? Am I giving up? Perhaps I am becoming an addict.
For there is nothing mediocre no shades of grey, it is all or nothing, in or out, feast or famine.
And as I lay on this slab, watching my own blood medieval style twist and turn before my eyes, radiated and re-injected into my system, I do all I can to stop myself from spiraling out of control. For my body no longer belongs to me, bought by men in white and the only form of control is of my thoughts. Feelings I have learned are no hope, though I am in control of actions. The soul is mine. Still, as I lay thought control absconds. Is it true life is short? Does this then gives us right to throw caution to the wind? What is right and what is wrong? Who are the worthy and who are the lost? What is this chasm? It’s not a place for God, for I was once saved and backslid and I will never be convinced there is a hell, apart from earth. And though I believe I know just what it is I crave, it eludes me, for I am incarcerated.
Call the RSPCA! The vultures circle.
Drowning in a pathetic cocktail, a sweat of my own making and as the rip takes me under, I fight for freedom, scrambling to get atop and as I hold my hand high I silently call for help! But the savior’s knocked off for the day. And now its night and I’m cold, scared and can’t find my way home. The light at the end of the tunnel turned out to be a torch. And I contemplate, and fear all that is unjust within this god forsaken world. Is it so wrong to trust? Should this trust even when misplaced be so cruelly neglected?
I want to scream, to lash out with my fists till they bleed and fester. For them to know the pain on an intimate level, as I. Ultimately I want them to be still, to gain understanding of what it is to just, be. But they don’t listen. I have given all I have and more, and as I stand before slate grey, gasping for freedom, they remain silent, looking to extract the last breath. I will never understand the language they speak. And no I am not insane, nor depressed.
I am just fighting for survival.
Changes, as Bowie sung, I like change, I embrace change, as a new born craves mother’s milk I crave change, but today there is no ability, perhaps tomorrow and if not, soon. Then upon change I will be in control my will, and power. Till this day comes, however it comes, I sit, I wait, I breath, I think, courage abound and feel the pain.
"Changes" David Bowie
not used by permission. Sorry Bowie, but you wouldn't return my call.
Still don’t know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seems the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Ch-ch-changes
Don't wanna be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Ch-ch-changes
just gonna have to be a different Man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence
So the days flow through my eyes
But the days still seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Ch-ch-changes
Don't tell them to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-changes
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time
Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking, the pace I'm going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Ch-ch-changes
Look out you rock 'n' rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Ch-ch-changes
Pretty soon I’m gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
About Me
"And if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take"...
"Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me.The Carriage held but just ourselves And Immortality"~Emily Dickinson
It was never my intention to keep a blog of activities or in this case non-activities, my feelings or thoughts, for I am not one to share freely. A survival mechanism instilled in childhood.
Even when faced with the most perilous of predicaments, I give the well rehearsed response, "I am fine, thank you".
I realise when people ask "how are you today?" they really mean, "tell me you are good so I can go about my way and not concern myself with your ailing health". God help me if I responded "I feel like shit and just want lay down and die".
I decided to keep this blog as some kind of a written legacy for my family, and in hope that others will gain insight into the heart and mind of one diagnosed as terminally ill. Yes I hear you, I have heard it before, "You are not terminal, you just need a double lung transplant, you will be fine". And you would be right! Yet to date I do not have my new and improved set of lungs, I wait and hope and pray.
My life is in the hands of a complete stranger, who in their time of ultimate grief can see through the despair and sleflessly choose to give me extended life. Till this wonderful opportunity presents there is still a real chance, I will soon die. I know others who have been in this place, this Limbo, their strength and determination is a never ending source of inspiration, yet it comes down to my strength, my will to live, and If I decided enough is enough, then so mote it be.
"For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?" ~Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet.
So at the risk of being labelled as "negative", I will be writing my real feelings, laying my naked soul on a slab for the world to oggle.
Some of my writings will be boring, some will be of pain, others of happiness. Much of it will be re visiting times and places that have helped shaped me to be the person I am today. Times and places I have not spoken of to another living soul. I need to do this, so I can move on.
It is the innermost me.
It was never my intention to keep a blog of activities or in this case non-activities, my feelings or thoughts, for I am not one to share freely. A survival mechanism instilled in childhood.
Even when faced with the most perilous of predicaments, I give the well rehearsed response, "I am fine, thank you".
I realise when people ask "how are you today?" they really mean, "tell me you are good so I can go about my way and not concern myself with your ailing health". God help me if I responded "I feel like shit and just want lay down and die".
I decided to keep this blog as some kind of a written legacy for my family, and in hope that others will gain insight into the heart and mind of one diagnosed as terminally ill. Yes I hear you, I have heard it before, "You are not terminal, you just need a double lung transplant, you will be fine". And you would be right! Yet to date I do not have my new and improved set of lungs, I wait and hope and pray.
My life is in the hands of a complete stranger, who in their time of ultimate grief can see through the despair and sleflessly choose to give me extended life. Till this wonderful opportunity presents there is still a real chance, I will soon die. I know others who have been in this place, this Limbo, their strength and determination is a never ending source of inspiration, yet it comes down to my strength, my will to live, and If I decided enough is enough, then so mote it be.
"For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?" ~Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet.
So at the risk of being labelled as "negative", I will be writing my real feelings, laying my naked soul on a slab for the world to oggle.
Some of my writings will be boring, some will be of pain, others of happiness. Much of it will be re visiting times and places that have helped shaped me to be the person I am today. Times and places I have not spoken of to another living soul. I need to do this, so I can move on.
It is the innermost me.
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