NOT BY BLOOD ALONE...

What does Family mean to you?

The Websters on-line dictionary describes the meaning of Family as follows;

Family
Noun

1. A social unit living together; "he moved his family to Virginia"; "It was a good Christian household"; "I waited until the whole house was asleep"; "the teacher asked how many people made up his home".

2. Primary social group; parents and children; "he wanted to have a good job before starting a family".

3. People descended from a common ancestor; "his family had lived in Massachusetts since the Mayflower".

4. A collection of things sharing a common attribute; "there are two classes of detergents".

5. An association of people who share common beliefs or activities; "the message was addressed not just to employees but to every member of the company family"; "the church welcomed new members into its fellowship".

6. (biology) a taxonomic group containing one or more genera; "sharks belong to the fish family".

7. A person having kinship with another or others; "he's kin"; "he's family".

But this is only the word definition of Family; it lacks to capture the emotional meaning.

To me, a family is not born by blood alone.

As we know, blood is an important substance required in order to maintain physical life. In times of health crisis and for monetary compensation blood type of kin is available, yet there is no emotional value whatsoever in this substance, it is just a physical requirement to, exist. In order to maintain a healthy psychological disposition, we all need the unconditional emotional support and love of our Family.

I have met family’s who place much importance on blood ties, sticking together with war cries of “we are blood”, yet many of these “family types” lack the uniqueness of what I believe constitutes a true Family. Come special celebrations they paint on their loving “face”, cleverly disguising themselves oh yes! They help each other, on a superficial level, but do they take the time to invest emotionally in each other? Where is the unconditional, nonjudgmental element we so desperately yearn?

Being adopted, I went through a period of needing to know who my biological family was. I figured by finding my blood relatives, I would find myself. My search was successful and though I could relate on a purely physical, characteristic level, I could not relate emotionally or spiritually. I realised the emotional investment required for the foundations of a strong family unit, had not been built.

How many of us without doubt can say we truly love our family, unconditionally?

Of this question I throw up my hand in accountability and say, “I am guilty of not loving unconditionally!”

Seemingly Love, in all its meaning is not autonomous, rather a learned emotion. As children, we are taught by our parents and peers how to express love, verbally and through actions. If this is not unconditional in nature, therefore in way default, love becomes conditional. An example of conditional love being, it’s through the displaying of certain behavior or achievements we become, lovable. Basically, we learn love is to be earned in way’s good or bad. As parents or peers we run a real risk of turning our children into withdrawn, emotionally crippled Adults whom are incapable of knowing how to give or receive love.

Why is it easier to express love for our Dog, Cats and other pets, and in some cases, inanimate objects? Perhaps because there is no need for an emotional investment, this love is easy. I know people who strive in business, investing their time to making money for their Family, it’s their way of showing their love yet sadly, they fail to see the value in an emotional investment.

It’s in times of our great emotional trials we remember, the important of Family.

At the risk of sounding cliché, there’s nothing like a crisis to remind us. Recently I had a NDE (near death experience). I was told I would not survive the night. Not having much time to contemplate my impending Death, my only thought was of my Family. As medical staff put me under, placing me on life support, my Family on route from Queensland did not make the hospital in time, so I quickly scribbled a goodbye note on a piece of hand wipe towel. It simply said, “Sorry I could not stay awake to say goodbye”. As I went under, mentally I regressed to childhood. Upon awakening from the coma, I peered around the room to see photos of family surrounding me, hearing tales of the bedside vigil kept and for the first time in my life, I realised just how much I was loved. How sad it would have been if I had died without this knowledge.

From the time my father passed I feared my Family, at the first sign of discord I would don my nikes and as Kathy freeman going for gold I bolted, running from monsters that lurked in the dark. Not knowing any different this behavior became a learned response which in turn became a fear, a fear to be loved. But when I awoke from that coma out of breath no longer with the ability to run, I was forced to swap my nikes for mocassins and a miracle happened, a light switched on and I realized the monsters from which I ran, were in fact, just people.

We can learn to love unconditionally; we can teach ourselves by practicing the Art. If our family behaves in a manner we don’t agree with don’t lecture, simply encourage a change, remembering it’s their path. And if they fall pick them up, dust them off and help them back on their feet. Trust in our Family regardless of the decisions made, and if trust is broken then forgive. We are all they have.

The key, I believe is to remember our Family members are people just like us, people with fears who simply require unconditional love. And though there may be times it seems the barriers are far too entrenched, keep gently chipping away, teaching though your actions. With patience, guidance and a bucket load of unconditional love, the walls will eventually crumble and your loved one will metamorphosis into something truly, wonderful. It's worth the investment.