About Me
"And if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take"...
"Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me.The Carriage held but just ourselves And Immortality"~Emily Dickinson
It was never my intention to keep a blog of activities or in this case non-activities, my feelings or thoughts, for I am not one to share freely. A survival mechanism instilled in childhood.
Even when faced with the most perilous of predicaments, I give the well rehearsed response, "I am fine, thank you".
I realise when people ask "how are you today?" they really mean, "tell me you are good so I can go about my way and not concern myself with your ailing health". God help me if I responded "I feel like shit and just want lay down and die".
I decided to keep this blog as some kind of a written legacy for my family, and in hope that others will gain insight into the heart and mind of one diagnosed as terminally ill. Yes I hear you, I have heard it before, "You are not terminal, you just need a double lung transplant, you will be fine". And you would be right! Yet to date I do not have my new and improved set of lungs, I wait and hope and pray.
My life is in the hands of a complete stranger, who in their time of ultimate grief can see through the despair and sleflessly choose to give me extended life. Till this wonderful opportunity presents there is still a real chance, I will soon die. I know others who have been in this place, this Limbo, their strength and determination is a never ending source of inspiration, yet it comes down to my strength, my will to live, and If I decided enough is enough, then so mote it be.
"For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?" ~Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet.
So at the risk of being labelled as "negative", I will be writing my real feelings, laying my naked soul on a slab for the world to oggle.
Some of my writings will be boring, some will be of pain, others of happiness. Much of it will be re visiting times and places that have helped shaped me to be the person I am today. Times and places I have not spoken of to another living soul. I need to do this, so I can move on.
It is the innermost me.
It was never my intention to keep a blog of activities or in this case non-activities, my feelings or thoughts, for I am not one to share freely. A survival mechanism instilled in childhood.
Even when faced with the most perilous of predicaments, I give the well rehearsed response, "I am fine, thank you".
I realise when people ask "how are you today?" they really mean, "tell me you are good so I can go about my way and not concern myself with your ailing health". God help me if I responded "I feel like shit and just want lay down and die".
I decided to keep this blog as some kind of a written legacy for my family, and in hope that others will gain insight into the heart and mind of one diagnosed as terminally ill. Yes I hear you, I have heard it before, "You are not terminal, you just need a double lung transplant, you will be fine". And you would be right! Yet to date I do not have my new and improved set of lungs, I wait and hope and pray.
My life is in the hands of a complete stranger, who in their time of ultimate grief can see through the despair and sleflessly choose to give me extended life. Till this wonderful opportunity presents there is still a real chance, I will soon die. I know others who have been in this place, this Limbo, their strength and determination is a never ending source of inspiration, yet it comes down to my strength, my will to live, and If I decided enough is enough, then so mote it be.
"For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?" ~Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet.
So at the risk of being labelled as "negative", I will be writing my real feelings, laying my naked soul on a slab for the world to oggle.
Some of my writings will be boring, some will be of pain, others of happiness. Much of it will be re visiting times and places that have helped shaped me to be the person I am today. Times and places I have not spoken of to another living soul. I need to do this, so I can move on.
It is the innermost me.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Legacy of life, the most precious gift that one can give is life. By George John Bleich
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: For thou art with me.
It is easier to walk through the valley of the shadow of death, then to wait for the inevitable end when your life is in limbo hanging on a thread of hope. A hope that amongst the many the grim reaper may harvest this day, there will be one compassionate unknown kind stranger that could save your life. It would take a Legacy of life, a gift of their life sustaining organs for you to live. There are variables such as blood type, sizes etc. that influence selections of those who will receive the transplants and the odds become more complex. It is not uncommon for Cystic Fibrosis patients to be slightly more diminutive in size and there by require smaller organs, even those of a child.
Your Perfect match could be a child.
Susie, I recall you writing with compassion for those who would lose a love one and you would prefer to die than have someone die that you may live. All ages, and many people die every day. In their grief their Families do not think about how it’s through the miracle of transplant their love ones live on in an unique way. When parent have a child called to heaven to be at God's side, the pain and loss is unfathomable and intense. They have to be blessed with a special grace to understand that their child will give those in need new life. The receivers of the organs will become caregivers of their child's hearts, lungs and other vital organs. Their child's heart will beat again, their lungs will breathe again instead of being snuffed and suffocated, with embalming fluid. Their corneas could help someone see again. As a result of their Legacy of Life Gift of their vital organs your child becomes part of the Miracle that gives life. They live on in a far more viable way than trapped and disintegrating beneath the ground.
The challenges and temptations resisted while waiting.
With each passing day you feel your life ebbing like the outgoing tide. The pain comes with increasing frequency and intensity. You grow weaker every hour. It’s difficult to concentrate. Like a shipwrecked sailor you cling to the remains of hope, like a sailor would cling to the wreckage of a ship with remote hope that currents may wash you ashore to a new life. Medication for pain makes it difficult to write new entries in your Chronicles of the Chronically Dead, a diary of your possible final days.
You are alive but feel you have died a thousand times. Every minute, every hour, death masquerades as a friend promising you relief from your pain, anxiety and depression. The reaper tells you to give up. You have an innate God instilled respect for your life. It is a saving grace and it gives you the strength and courage to look death in the face without fear, and have the resolve and spiritual reserve to endure the pain and treasure each living moment, to press on, pray wait and hope. Your drawn closer to God who is no stranger to you. Knowing your time could be drawing near, you find comfort in a favorite prayer at the beginning of your blog, “And If I should die before I wake I pray to the Lord my soul to take." You have put your trust and life in Jesus' Name and in God's Holy Hands. There will be times when you cry silent tears, no one will see but God. They well up in your eyes; roll down your cheeks and inside your throat leaving you alone with the salty taste of silent tears, while you pray, wait and hope.
It's not your time to go; you have a responsibility to your God given gifts.
God has gifted you with many unique talents to use in his praise, to share your great love of him, your fellow man and yourself. There are scenes in your mind calling out to be painted. There are poems, stories and songs to write with the wisdom that come to the young who have faced death and with courage and have learned through experiencing many of life's lessons. You will write with appreciation of those who gave you the gift of the legacy of life. You need not write about them but you cannot help but be influenced and aware that they live on in you in a special way. If it is their lungs you will feel them expand when you breathe in deeply, if it is their heart, you will feel them in every pulse beat. Together you share the union and the miracle of transplants and new life.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)

George has always had a special gift in his art and his heart.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful words for you, Susie. Because beautiful possibilities still abound...sending you love and light, beautiful one XOXO - a BIG kiss from Moo! Too! X
ReplyDeleteMay our Prayers and love for Susie be transformed into positive caring creative action. I implore you to make the effort to share this idea with another who will find themselves in great pain at the unexpected loss of a young love one. May they receive the gift of grace to give another life and have their love one heart beats again, to have their love one lungs be filled with fresh ocean air. May the soul of their love one find joy in knowing that another child of Gods lives today and they do in them. Your efforts will be an important part of the Miracle Legacy of life giving that is organ transplanting. Do pray but do more. Back up your prayers with positive caring actions.
ReplyDelete