“You made it to another one” was my Brother Steve’s morning greeting. He is referring to my Birthday, and the fact that against all odds, I am still here. But rather than living, I feel more and more like I am existing. I have had a wonderful day. Relaxing. Filled with everything I would have ordered. A huge black forest B’Day cake fit for a queen and candles to boot. Alas I could not blow out my candles, all 4 of them, but my quick thinking Sister-in-Law Kirsteen grabbed a disregarded envelope and I waved the flames out. I was treated to a wonderful 3 course dinner and red wine hence I am now feeling like an over stuffed Christmas stocking and due to lovely fluid overload, looking like one too.
So how am I feeling, honestly? I am so exhausted, no there is no word for this amount of exhaustion. I cannot concentrate, though I did manage to do 3 hours of real work today, which made me feel productive. I am tired, I am sore, I cannot walk further than the front door and I am wondering just how much spirit is left. One foot in and one foot out I am doing the spiritual hokey pokey. How much can our physical bodies take? I wonder. Can I keep going on like this and for how much longer? Honestly, I am totally amazed how much the physical body can take, and even more amazed at the human spirit.
I met Mary during a stint in club med. There she was, sitting in the corner staring out the window day in day out. Sitting in her pajamas and dressing gown, physically she was here; spiritually she was far, far away. I could not but help go and talk with her. Within one hour I had heard all about Mary her life as Uni lecturer, her day’s travelling the world, her ex husband, her dog, her cleaner. Mary is not on the transplant list, Mary’s lost both her parents close together just on 2 years ago now and never having Children of her own she wishes to go to be with God. I respect her immensely.
I listened to Mary’s fears.
Now, one and a half years on Mary sends me little cards and presents of homemade preserves. She calls me to see how I am doing and she prays I get well. This Woman who is dying is praying I get well. I asked her why, why when she is so ill she prays for me. Mary said: “Sue, when I first met you, you sat with me for hours and listened to me talk. No-one has ever done that before”. I cannot help but wonder what this world has come to. Lovely Mary is so appreciative of an ear, just someone who is willing to listen to her. Mary doesn’t have long now so she is loading me up with preserves. God bless you Mary Toth.
I wonder what Mary is thinking, alone in her home she shared with her Mum and dad, just waiting, biding her time till she is back with them again. I wonder, I wonder.
But I do not fear, not today. Yesterday I was a little scared, but not today. Today is my Birthday.
I made it to another one.
About Me
"And if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take"...
"Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me.The Carriage held but just ourselves And Immortality"~Emily Dickinson
It was never my intention to keep a blog of activities or in this case non-activities, my feelings or thoughts, for I am not one to share freely. A survival mechanism instilled in childhood.
Even when faced with the most perilous of predicaments, I give the well rehearsed response, "I am fine, thank you".
I realise when people ask "how are you today?" they really mean, "tell me you are good so I can go about my way and not concern myself with your ailing health". God help me if I responded "I feel like shit and just want lay down and die".
I decided to keep this blog as some kind of a written legacy for my family, and in hope that others will gain insight into the heart and mind of one diagnosed as terminally ill. Yes I hear you, I have heard it before, "You are not terminal, you just need a double lung transplant, you will be fine". And you would be right! Yet to date I do not have my new and improved set of lungs, I wait and hope and pray.
My life is in the hands of a complete stranger, who in their time of ultimate grief can see through the despair and sleflessly choose to give me extended life. Till this wonderful opportunity presents there is still a real chance, I will soon die. I know others who have been in this place, this Limbo, their strength and determination is a never ending source of inspiration, yet it comes down to my strength, my will to live, and If I decided enough is enough, then so mote it be.
"For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?" ~Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet.
So at the risk of being labelled as "negative", I will be writing my real feelings, laying my naked soul on a slab for the world to oggle.
Some of my writings will be boring, some will be of pain, others of happiness. Much of it will be re visiting times and places that have helped shaped me to be the person I am today. Times and places I have not spoken of to another living soul. I need to do this, so I can move on.
It is the innermost me.
It was never my intention to keep a blog of activities or in this case non-activities, my feelings or thoughts, for I am not one to share freely. A survival mechanism instilled in childhood.
Even when faced with the most perilous of predicaments, I give the well rehearsed response, "I am fine, thank you".
I realise when people ask "how are you today?" they really mean, "tell me you are good so I can go about my way and not concern myself with your ailing health". God help me if I responded "I feel like shit and just want lay down and die".
I decided to keep this blog as some kind of a written legacy for my family, and in hope that others will gain insight into the heart and mind of one diagnosed as terminally ill. Yes I hear you, I have heard it before, "You are not terminal, you just need a double lung transplant, you will be fine". And you would be right! Yet to date I do not have my new and improved set of lungs, I wait and hope and pray.
My life is in the hands of a complete stranger, who in their time of ultimate grief can see through the despair and sleflessly choose to give me extended life. Till this wonderful opportunity presents there is still a real chance, I will soon die. I know others who have been in this place, this Limbo, their strength and determination is a never ending source of inspiration, yet it comes down to my strength, my will to live, and If I decided enough is enough, then so mote it be.
"For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?" ~Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet.
So at the risk of being labelled as "negative", I will be writing my real feelings, laying my naked soul on a slab for the world to oggle.
Some of my writings will be boring, some will be of pain, others of happiness. Much of it will be re visiting times and places that have helped shaped me to be the person I am today. Times and places I have not spoken of to another living soul. I need to do this, so I can move on.
It is the innermost me.
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Happy Birthday Susie. We love you xoxo
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday again my Dear Susie, You Fly through life like humming bird, stopping patiently to sip the nectar of flowers like Mary, those who can not fly, those who wait in silent loneliness for their time to fly. They pray for the little hummingbird, random kindness on the wing who stopped in their heart sky and listened when strutting cardinals and craving ravens going elsewhere passed them by. They give back to you what they can in any way they know to keep the fleeting humming wings beating invisibly, as she darts into heart each day, humming along her way
ReplyDelete♬Happy Birthday♬,
ReplyDeleteyou beautiful woman.
I hope it was superb. Here's to the next ...
❤...❀...☺...
(belated) Happy Birthday Gorgeous chick. Just a few days after my wee gorgeous chicks birthday. She reminds me a lot of you sometimes. She small, but sassy and blonde. Independent to the extreme, and not afraid to demand what she wants :p
ReplyDeleteMust be something about people born at the same time of year :)
Happy Birthday, I think about you every day and send all the strength and hope I can.