Seems I have now lost the ability to write. As a child writing was my only friend confidant and ali. Now it's gone. Just another death in the journey comprising of many, many deaths.
We spoke of this today, my paliative care counsellor and I. We spoke of all the little deaths one suffers along the way. All the friends lost. I am tired of the selfish living and don't wish to know about the dead. I need to retreat, contmeplate and say goodbye, yet again. ,
I am in mourning for my loss, but that's ok.
y yo extrano el mi ninos.
About Me
"And if I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take"...
"Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me.The Carriage held but just ourselves And Immortality"~Emily Dickinson
It was never my intention to keep a blog of activities or in this case non-activities, my feelings or thoughts, for I am not one to share freely. A survival mechanism instilled in childhood.
Even when faced with the most perilous of predicaments, I give the well rehearsed response, "I am fine, thank you".
I realise when people ask "how are you today?" they really mean, "tell me you are good so I can go about my way and not concern myself with your ailing health". God help me if I responded "I feel like shit and just want lay down and die".
I decided to keep this blog as some kind of a written legacy for my family, and in hope that others will gain insight into the heart and mind of one diagnosed as terminally ill. Yes I hear you, I have heard it before, "You are not terminal, you just need a double lung transplant, you will be fine". And you would be right! Yet to date I do not have my new and improved set of lungs, I wait and hope and pray.
My life is in the hands of a complete stranger, who in their time of ultimate grief can see through the despair and sleflessly choose to give me extended life. Till this wonderful opportunity presents there is still a real chance, I will soon die. I know others who have been in this place, this Limbo, their strength and determination is a never ending source of inspiration, yet it comes down to my strength, my will to live, and If I decided enough is enough, then so mote it be.
"For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?" ~Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet.
So at the risk of being labelled as "negative", I will be writing my real feelings, laying my naked soul on a slab for the world to oggle.
Some of my writings will be boring, some will be of pain, others of happiness. Much of it will be re visiting times and places that have helped shaped me to be the person I am today. Times and places I have not spoken of to another living soul. I need to do this, so I can move on.
It is the innermost me.
It was never my intention to keep a blog of activities or in this case non-activities, my feelings or thoughts, for I am not one to share freely. A survival mechanism instilled in childhood.
Even when faced with the most perilous of predicaments, I give the well rehearsed response, "I am fine, thank you".
I realise when people ask "how are you today?" they really mean, "tell me you are good so I can go about my way and not concern myself with your ailing health". God help me if I responded "I feel like shit and just want lay down and die".
I decided to keep this blog as some kind of a written legacy for my family, and in hope that others will gain insight into the heart and mind of one diagnosed as terminally ill. Yes I hear you, I have heard it before, "You are not terminal, you just need a double lung transplant, you will be fine". And you would be right! Yet to date I do not have my new and improved set of lungs, I wait and hope and pray.
My life is in the hands of a complete stranger, who in their time of ultimate grief can see through the despair and sleflessly choose to give me extended life. Till this wonderful opportunity presents there is still a real chance, I will soon die. I know others who have been in this place, this Limbo, their strength and determination is a never ending source of inspiration, yet it comes down to my strength, my will to live, and If I decided enough is enough, then so mote it be.
"For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?" ~Kahlil Gibran, from The Prophet.
So at the risk of being labelled as "negative", I will be writing my real feelings, laying my naked soul on a slab for the world to oggle.
Some of my writings will be boring, some will be of pain, others of happiness. Much of it will be re visiting times and places that have helped shaped me to be the person I am today. Times and places I have not spoken of to another living soul. I need to do this, so I can move on.
It is the innermost me.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
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